roller coaster

Lately, I've been going trough the most insane roller-coaster ride of life. Up and downs of happiness, twist and turns of emotions, and the feeling of butterflies in my stomach.

Everything in my life has always seemed to fall into place. School, jobs, love - everything has come pretty effortlessly. I knew in high school where I wanted to go with my life; what I wanted to be when I "grew up". Jobs have always come easily for me, I've never had an interview for a job that I didn't get. With Hubby, from the moment we first stated dating, I stopped looking for other guys, I knew he was (and is) The One. Here I am in my mid-twenties and I feel like I've accomplished most of the goals that I had set for myself when I was a teenager. Where do I go from here?

With all this luck (and that's exactly what it is - luck), I feel like I should be expecting that not ALL things will go my way; things won't always fall into place so easily, sometimes they'll be a little bit of a fight.

This is what I'm experiencing now. Well, sort of. You see, I'm worrying when I don't have to. Things still might turn out the way that I was hoping, but I still have the gnawing reminder in the back of my mind that this is something that might not be easy. I might not achieve all the goals that I've set for myself.

I'm scared. Scared of the unknown, scared of what I might have to leave behind, and scared of failing. There, I said it. I'm scared of failing.

Deep down I know that, even if I fail, things will still be okay. Life goes on, and I'll probably learn something from the whole process and end up coming out of is knowing myself a little bit better. This doesn't make it less scary though.  I guess I'm just the most scared of what others will think if I fail.  How will my failure reflect on me as a person?  Will they look at me differently?

I've know that this is a huge insecurity of mine.  I know that I always put way too much emphasis on what other people think, but at the same time, I have a really hard time changing.

So, in an effort to do what's right FOR ME, I'm holding on tight and letting this roller coaster take me on this journey.  Right now I don't know where I'm going to end up, but I know that no matter what, this is MY ride, I was meant to go down this track.  Maybe along the way I'll accomplish some of my goals, maybe I won't, but it doesn't matter.  Along the way I'll get to know myself a little bit better.

1 comment:

Jen said...

very intuitive post today. I think no matter how much you prepare yourself, there's always going to be a bump in the road or an unexpected swerve in the roller coaster. That is always scary, anything unknown is scary, but you learn from it and grow as a person from it, whether the outcome is good or bad.

I truly believe that life is not supposed to be easy, whether it be personal or with work, but it's all on what your outlook and how you attack those challenges. I think if you truly want something in life, even there is a roadblock or an unexpected swerve, you can re-group and plan a new attack. Things will always work out if they are meant to be, easy or hard.